Detroit

As previously mentioned, Thotplaces Light and Magic, Inc. has had to help several members of its marketing department find new jobs earlier than they may have anticipated. While we look for new bloodsuckers ad executives, we offer a report from Randall, our rambling correspondent* about some current news topics:

So, it has recently come to my attention that the City of Detroit has gone and filed for bankruptcy. While this may be a bad thing for many people (particularly the people who live in Detroit I would assume as well as Eminem and those people who don’t like Eminem and turn on their television and there’s a car commercial and suddenly his face shows up on the screen talking about how great Detroit is and, in a fit of rage, they go and throw their televisions out the window, causing them to buy new televisions and windows) I see this as a great real estate opportunity. 

I mean, imagine it . . . a whole city just up for purchase. While many people may say “There’s a reason why Detroit is bankrupt. It’s a horrible city”, I say to them, “Wait, is it pronounced ‘Dee-troit’ or ‘Dutroit’?” Because having a good name is the first step to successful marketing. I mean, I’m from New Jersey and we call the stuff that comes out of the tap “wooter’ while everyone else seems to call it ‘waater’. If there was some sort of concensus that was made on how to pronounce it, then that wet stuff could be sold for thirty bucks a bottle. I mean, whiskey is called whiskey by everyone right? And look at how much that stuff goes for. You don’t have some people call it ‘weeskee’ or ‘whitskey’ or even ‘gompers’. It’s called whiskey.  So let’s decide on one way to pronounce that city. Let’s just call it Gomperville.”

But now, where was I? Oh yes, buying Detroit would be a perfect real estate move. I mean after all, you would get not one or two, but THREE major sporting teams- the Tigers, the Lions and the Red Wings. Now, admittedly, the first move would be to rename the Red Wings into the Bears so that way instead of people throwing squids on the ice, they can start throwing the heads of scarecrows whenever a goal or a hat trick is scored. Or, maybe like a stuffed lion. OR BETTER YET!!!! Imagine baby bear cubs being gently tossed onto the ice during a hockey game (maybe put parachutes on them so they can playfully glide to the ice so that way they don’t hurt themselves) and then release the momma bear out onto the ice to reclaim her bear cubs to show that the new city of Gomperville will find her lost children and gather them back up to safety and maul the faces off of whoever gets in her way. Yes . . . that would be a great message so that way the terrorists won’t win a game of hockey.

Oh . . . there I go off on a tangent again. Where was I . . . . Oh yes . . . so once the bear cubs are roaming the streets of Gomperville, then we can finally automate the gigantic statue of Robocop to help keep an eye on anyone who decides to hurt the cubs. And since Gomperville won’t have a statue of a movie character anywhere in a fixed position, I think it’s quite obvious who the next statue should be of: Han Solo. Nothing says amazing and awesome than a one hundred foot tall statue of one of the greatest heroes and pilots of a long time ago with jet planes flying over his head every hour on the hour in tribute. Ooooh! Since we’re buying Gomperville, we might also be able to buy the Blue Angels to be the ones flying over, while “Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins is played on repeat. That would be the true epitome of 1980’s American Awesomeness which is what, I think, Old Gomperville ( or ‘Deetroit/Duhtroit/Wooter’ as the rest of the world would call it) missed out on. 

You know, I’ve talked about so many things at this point that I don’t really remember what I was talking about. So, I’m going to go to the local golf course and play some zombie golf. Randall . . . OUT!

 

*-Randall is not an actual current employee of Thotplaces and has not been since we fired him several months ago. However, during one of his rambles while we were trying to fire him, he talked about how great it would be to open a second office for the company in Iowa, and walked out yammering something about how corn could be used to help build an office building or something like that. We’ve been receiving random reports like this from him every couple of weeks. Any readers who happen to live in Iowa, if you see Randall, please tell him to stop. Bring a chair though, if you do do this . . . . the conversation could go on for a while. 

See what happens when I go get cryogenically frozen . . .

So, I decided to help our R&D people try their new cryogenic cereal .  . Frozeplaces . . . So good, it’ll freeze you for a few months.

Apparently they fed that cereal to our marketing department, looking at what happened to our original spot on the web. Ah well . . . time to call up recruiting and hire a new bunch of zombies . . . I mean . . . ummm . . . ad executives.

In the meantime, I’d like to talk about something that came to me as the boys in R&D were defrosting me with one of their hair dryers: PEDs (or performance enhancing drugs).

Yes, I know . . . PEDs have destroyed baseball and all other competitive sports. Well, most sports. There’s one that still has not been touched by it, but probably should be.

I’m talking about golf.

Think about it. Tiger Woods comes up to the tee and, while he’s all hyped up on steroids, drives the ball for about 800 yards making a hole-in-one, but on a green that’s three holes away. There would be crowds of people lined up to see how many miles the golfers can drive the balls. Hell, even Jack Nicklaus and Fuzzy Zoeller could make a come back.

Wait . . . . they’re dead?

 

Well, performance enhancing drugs could bring them back to life, right? Imagine it . . . this afternoon on ABC . . . Zombie Golf! The youth of America would love it. Golf would soon become the new national past-time. Pack your clubs and a gun to keep the zombies away . . . it’s time for golf.

Wow . . . maybe being frozen for that long really does have some mental side effects. Better let the boys in R&D know . . . after I go make me some zombie golfers.

 

 

 

Well, Hello There

Is this thing on? (taps microphone only to discover that it is, in fact, a pencil. Tosses it offstage)

I’ll forgo apologizing for the lack of updates on Thotplaces (the important thing is that I return on occasion – see this post where I back myself up on this claim). I will, however, apologize for the fact that thotplaces.com no longer resembles its former self. I advise against visiting the site and wish only to state publicly that we at Thotplaces International have nothing to do with whatever the new owners have created there. So, for now, you’ll have to settle for the free WordPress variant of our blog.

Eight months into 2013, I can say that for the first time ever I have stuck to my New Year’s Resolution. I wanted to make this the year that I start making things happen and I feel that I’ve been moving steadily in that direction. I’m still producing my webcomic, The Garage, every Monday through Friday and have started a blog for posting short stories at Little Artifacts. If you haven’t see either, I humbly encourage you to check them out. If not, no worries, we still love you anyways.

I hope this year has gone well for you. It is not, however, finished yet and you still have the opportunity to make the most of it.

Okay, I’ve taken enough of your time. If you would like, please write a comment about what you’ve accomplished thus far this year, or post some mid-year resolutions – some goals you want to reach for before 2013 is out. And let’s all encourage each other to be productive, creative and fun-loving.

Until next time, may Thoth watch over you.

Jeremy

‘Ere, he says he’s not dead…

Well, what do you know, the prodigal blogger returns. Apologies to one and all for the extended hiatus (once again).

I wish I could say that this is the start of a beautiful new beginning of a long and fruitful Thotplaces run, but I’d be lying. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I hope to be back again, before too long, sharing my inner most thoughts and dreams with a bunch of total strangers who couldn’t care less. But I am doing something in the meantime.

I’d like to refer you to the new webcomic I have started here. It’s a learning experience, so please don’t judge it too harshly. I really do hope that you will stop by and check it out.

Well, that’s about it for now. Until next time, may Thoth be with you on all your journeys.

The Missing Floor

In all my time here at Thotplaces, and with all the things I’ve seen, it may be the one thing that I haven’t seen that bothers me the most.

That thing, it turns out, is the Thirteenth Floor. Yes, yes, I know, the number 13 is supposed to be all witchcrafty and weird and scary and all that other stuff. I choose to believe that it’s only a coincidence. You can believe whatever you want. All I know is that I have tried, repeatedly, to get onto the Thirteenth Floor and have yet to succeed.

It is there. I know that it is there. The Thotplaces Central Tower is 29 stories high. The floors are listed on a sign in the lobby – 29 floors. You can stand on the street, look up and count 29 floors. So it’s there. I can see the windows for that floor from outside. But on the lobby sign, there is no department listed for Floor 13. It’s merely blank. The elevators have no button for 13 – they simply go from 12 to 14. I have climbed the stairs, only to find a blank wall where the door to floor 13 should be.

It’s easy to dismiss, I suppose, if you consider that some architects are superstitious and leave out the 13th floor. It could be assumed that while the building had a thirteenth floor built, it was later sealed off and never used. That’s possible. But I’ve seen people at the windows. I’ve seen lights go on and later turn off on the floor. The floor is in use. By someone.

What I have never seen is a piece of mail come through my department for someone on floor 13. No one I ask seems to realize there is a floor 13. I’m beginning to think I may be the only person here, other than the mysterious denizens of Floor 13, who is aware of it at all.

I don’t know why, but this has become the most important thing to me right now. I lay in bed at night thinking about it. I have drawn up my own sketches and diagrams and schematics based on what I know of the building and its layout. The only relief I see is finally finding my way on there.

So, this is my stated goal now. I am going to find a way onto Floor 13. I will figure out who is on that floor, and why, and what reason they have for making access so difficult. Because if I don’t, I may wind up as crazy as everyone else here seems to be.

 

Where It All Began

I don’t think I’ve ever told you about my first day at Thotplaces Inc, but I guess that’s as good a place as any to start.

After a lengthy interview process that involved seven managers and twelve applications, I received the call on a Friday that I had been hired and was to report to work in the mailroom first thing Monday morning. As luck would have it, Monday morning was a depressing gray drizzle – the kind that seems to soak into your bones and fog your head. I didn’t care much then – I was excited. But given some distance and knowing what I know now, this was ominous foreshadowing for things to come.

So there I stood at the bus stop, watching drops gather and fall off the end of my nose and avoiding sprays of puddle water flying off passing cars. I stood there for an hour like that, until a sweet old lady reminded me that the buses didn’t run anymore. I looked up at the sign and noted with some amusement the words “No Standing”. Of course, this is a company town and the public transportation had been shut down in the budget rollbacks of ’08.

I walked the remaining nineteen blocks to the Corporate Headquarters Tower and slipped my way across the lobby floor to the reception desk. The disinterested hag of a girl behind the counter wrinkled her nose at my rain-soaked appearance when I told her my name and she pointed at the elevators without saying a word. I walked past a sign on the wall that said the mailroom was in sub-basement M (short for Mail, I guess) and took the elevator down.

Upon exiting the elevator, my first thought was that the mailroom had been relocated. There were lines of desks running down each side of the corridor as far as the eye could see, every one covered in stacks of envelopes nearly to the ceiling. The lights were mostly off, save for the handful that flickered annoyingly here and there. I wandered the stacks for several minutes, looking for signs that someone had been there in the past decade. I didn’t find any. Finally, there was a ding from the elevator and a man with a handlebar mustache and small round spectacles stepped into the room.

“I’m Garvin D. Busslepot, Mail Manager. You must be Jeremy.” He said, extending his hand. His voice was like an announcer from a 1940s radio broadcast.

“Yes, I am. Sorry I’m late.”

He didn’t reply. He just walked over to a small rusty basket on wheels and pointed to a stack of envelopes on the desk nearest us.

“Load those up and start delivering.”

I looked at the first piece, while he stood nearby watching me like a creep, and noticed the date stamp was 1976. I showed it to him.

“We haven’t had a Mailboy in a while.” He said, almost as though he were apologizing to me.

I shrugged, loaded the cart and began to deliver the envelopes.

A lot has changed since then. There’s now four other people in the mailroom with me. But, delivering 2.3 million envelopes around the Thotplaces Complex was probably the best way to really get a feel for what this place is like.

So stick with us and we’ll try to give you some sense of what it’s like around here, too.

Fifty and Feeling Fine

Well, this marks my 50th blog post for Thotplaces and my 7th in as many days.

I’m finally, after two years, starting to feel better about my writing on here. Maybe that’s because I’m not over-thinking it now or spending all my time trying to figure out what people want to read. I’m just writing what entertains me at this point and hoping that it entertains others as well.

After a week of daily posts to get back into the swing of things, I’ll be slowing my output now to take some pressure off and to free up a little time for other work, such as my novel. But, I promise to keep a much more regular schedule on here. I will post at least once a week – if not a bit more – for at least the remainder of 2013.

As a quick reminder, we would love to have you like us on Facebook. You can find us here. We’ve added a new manager to the page to try and keep it fresh with additional links and funny stuff. And we would love your feedback on how we’re doing.

In conclusion, I want to thank everyone for reading and look forward to the opportunity to continue entertaining you in the future.

Quit Planning and Write Already

I tend to think of myself as the King of Procrastination. Truthfully, I’m more like the lazy, drunken party-girl heiress of Procrastination. If you are anything like me, you think about writing, you have ideas for writing, you plan on writing – but, somehow, you never seem to actually write. If that’s your problem, too, then I’ve made this post for you. I want you to do these things, in this order, right now (well, after you finish reading this post, let’s say):

Clear a Spot
I mean this in every sense of the phrase. Clear a spot on your daily calendar, clear a spot for a workspace, clear a spot in your mind for the writing you are going to do. Maybe this will take some conscious decision-making on your part. Maybe you already have these spots cleared and just never do anything with them. Today you start doing something. Clear them and then use them.

Get Your Idea
Do you have an idea already in your head? Great, go on to the next part. If not, Google (or Bing or whatever) ‘writing prompt’ or take another story and imagine how you would tell it differently. Whatever you do, just pick something quick or you’ll waste all your cleared time looking for something. Right now, it doesn’t matter what the idea is or how good it might be, we’re working on action.

Set a Goal
You need to set a reasonable goal for daily writing. Keep it simple, keep it within reach, but make it explicit. 250 words? 1000 words? A chapter? 30 consecutive minutes? Whatever. Just pick it and write it down on a post-it note, notecard, scrap of paper – anything – and post it within view. Tell yourself, everyday, that you will hit that number (or goal)*.

Just Write
I don’t know what your process is. Perhaps you brainstorm or outline or just wing it. For the purposes of this exercise, I want you to do this: write first to hit your goal, then do whatever your process is. That is to say, if you like to brainstorm ideas, you should write until you hit your goal FIRST and then brainstorm what you will do tomorrow. That means you avoid the process today (because today is your first day, right?) and actually put some words down on paper (or screen).

Don’t Go Back
Some people are perfectionists. Some lack confidence. I happen to be all of those people in one. The key is to keep pushing forward and do not waste time going over old stuff until you’re done.

Rinse
After you hit your goal, and perhaps after you do your process, step away from those cleared spaces and do something else. Feel good that you did something and move on. Confidence, positivity and rest are all your friends during this time.

Repeat
Do this everyday. Consciously. With purpose. Do not be deterred. Even a small block of time devoted daily to writing, or a relatively small word count, will add up over time. Set another goal to repeat this process every day for a month. Eventually, this will become a habit.

Action. Progress. Writing. You can do it – do it now.

*As an aside, I’ve been using yarny.me for writing and I’ve found it to be very useful. Not only can you track word counts very easily (and they appear pretty accurate), you can also set word-count goals for your writing and see your progress visually. And it’s free.

Movie Quotes to Live By

I’m sure it’s well known that Hollywood is full of Zen masters. And it is the wisest and most learned of these that provide us with the quality films that grace your local cineplex every weekend. These true geniuses… ugh, no, sorry, I just can’t do that anymore. I hate lying.

But, that being said, I would argue that every once in a while a nugget of truth or gem of wisdom falls out of the cesspool of narcissism and greed that is America’s movie industry. Truths that transcend the banality of the moving picture shows that contain them.

So, without further ado, here’s a list of some quotes to live by:

 1. “Do. Or do not. There is no try.” (The Empire Strikes Back, 1980)

The sticky wicket that is Star Wars philosophy aside, I do believe we have to approach things with a belief that we can accomplish them. Maybe we succeed, maybe we fail. But we cannot tip-toe through our lives like Tiny Tim in the tulips, trying to do things without putting a real effort into it. I’m really bad about this. I tell myself more often than I truly care to admit that “I’m trying to do this” or “I’m trying to make that happen”. But really all I’m doing is thinking and planning and scheming and wasting time. You can’t pretend to do it. You can’t do it without believing that you can do it. Do it or don’t.

2. “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get.” (Forrest Gump, 1994)

As humans, it’s very easy to take a myopic view of whatever your current situation is. Good or bad, it can be difficult to remember that life is a series of moments and those moments can vary greatly from one another. Remember Mr. Gump’s statement as often as you can. Savor the taste of those sweet moments, choke down the less desirable ones, and keep reaching for the next moment with a sense of wonder and adventure. Oh, and life will make you fat.

3. “If you build it, he will come.” (Field of Dreams, 1989)

I’m going to stretch this one a bit, so try to stay with me. I think the deeper meaning here is shared by this article at Cracked.com. In a nutshell, if you want something – money, friendship, success, love, respect, whatever – you have to act first and deserve it. You don’t achieve by just being a pleasant person or because you want it really bad. People need things and if you don’t deliver for them in some way that is unique to you, they will go elsewhere and you’ll be left without whatever it is you want. It’s a hard truth, as the article says (much better than I do here, I might add), but it’s a truth that is worth learning sooner rather than later. Quit wishing and hoping really hard and start building.

4. “Clever girl.” (Jurassic Park, 1993)

Two lessons from this simple phrase. Girls are smart and should you ever find yourself being hunted by velociraptors in an island jungle, watch out for the one on your left. Hmmm, now that I think about it, I could switch the terms “girls” and “velociraptors” in the previous sentence and probably still make a valid point.

5. “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” (The Princess Bride, 1987)

Professionals, especially those self-employed, take note. This is how you package yourself; make a brand out of you that people can identify with. It’s short, it’s well-rehearsed, it identifies the man, it has a clear statement of intent. Your brand is more than your business card and letterhead. It’s your willingness to slay the people who murder your family.

I’m sure there’s plenty more quotes out there that you can live by, but seriously, at some point you have to stop lugging that giant book of quotes around and start living. So go, my minions, and do it, build it, taste it, watch out for the one on the left and let the world know you have a mission.

That’s all folks.

Career Building: How To Be A Mad Scientist

Position: Mad Scientist

What Kind of Wage You Can Expect: Whatever those poor fools will give you to disarm your Death Ray

Job Outlook in The Next Ten Years: Greater with every day your superior intellect is mocked and ignored

Requirements:
First, it’s terribly important that everyone knows you are a doctor. You needn’t actually possess a doctorate, of course (but a fancy looking paper with a shiny seal mounted on the wall never hurt). You must – I repeat MUST – begin adding Dr. to the front of your name at all times. Once you begin receiving junk mail addressed to you as Dr. [insert your name here], then you know it has stuck.

Second, and this is vital, you need a secret lair. Ideally, this would be an island as you’ll want to be in international waters and not subject to any particular laws. You also want to make access difficult for would-be heroes and secret agents hellbent on stopping your world domination. Consider shark-infested waters or perhaps somewhere in the arctic circle. Or both, if you want to keep separate summer and winter homes.

I know what you’re saying. “But Jeremy, how can I afford an island?” Shut up and quit whining. It’s beneath you.

You have two options. If you’re already wealthy, then just buy it. If you’re not, then you’re going to need…

An army of goons. These can come in many different flavors. Hired goons (of the flesh-and-blood variety) are probably the best, but they require food, rest and – most of all – money. Other suitable options, depending on your area of mad scientific expertise, is either robots or zombies or animal-people hybrids. Just remember, robots need a lot of power and tend to let you down when they are needed the most. Zombies need plenty of brains to keep them strong and they are notoriously bad at following orders. Animal-people hybrids will also need food and rest, but if you let them share the weakest member of the pack (when that member falls in your regular death-cage match) then they should have enough to sustain them.

You’re going to need beakers, a fair number of Tesla coils and at least one dedicated henchman or assistant. These can be purchased for fairly cheap at government auctions, going-out-of-a-life-of-crime sales, or Craigslist. Shop around for the best deal. Don’t be afraid to buy gently used items.

Finally, you need a plan for world domination. No, no, not that one you’re thinking of right now. In fact, it won’t be the second, third or fourth, either. You need to dig deep. It has to be complicated. If it doesn’t involve you getting caught, then escaping, then holding people in mortal danger, then destroying a national monument to show you mean business, then faking your death, then taking control of one of the world’s important infrastructure systems – well, then you’re just not trying hard enough.

Recommended Course of Action: Your resume is a little weak in certain areas, so I recommend you intern for the summer with an established mad scientist. He will mentor you, challenge you, flog you and finally be destroyed by you.

And then you will be ready to do science to the world.