Detroit

As previously mentioned, Thotplaces Light and Magic, Inc. has had to help several members of its marketing department find new jobs earlier than they may have anticipated. While we look for new bloodsuckers ad executives, we offer a report from Randall, our rambling correspondent* about some current news topics:

So, it has recently come to my attention that the City of Detroit has gone and filed for bankruptcy. While this may be a bad thing for many people (particularly the people who live in Detroit I would assume as well as Eminem and those people who don’t like Eminem and turn on their television and there’s a car commercial and suddenly his face shows up on the screen talking about how great Detroit is and, in a fit of rage, they go and throw their televisions out the window, causing them to buy new televisions and windows) I see this as a great real estate opportunity. 

I mean, imagine it . . . a whole city just up for purchase. While many people may say “There’s a reason why Detroit is bankrupt. It’s a horrible city”, I say to them, “Wait, is it pronounced ‘Dee-troit’ or ‘Dutroit’?” Because having a good name is the first step to successful marketing. I mean, I’m from New Jersey and we call the stuff that comes out of the tap “wooter’ while everyone else seems to call it ‘waater’. If there was some sort of concensus that was made on how to pronounce it, then that wet stuff could be sold for thirty bucks a bottle. I mean, whiskey is called whiskey by everyone right? And look at how much that stuff goes for. You don’t have some people call it ‘weeskee’ or ‘whitskey’ or even ‘gompers’. It’s called whiskey.  So let’s decide on one way to pronounce that city. Let’s just call it Gomperville.”

But now, where was I? Oh yes, buying Detroit would be a perfect real estate move. I mean after all, you would get not one or two, but THREE major sporting teams- the Tigers, the Lions and the Red Wings. Now, admittedly, the first move would be to rename the Red Wings into the Bears so that way instead of people throwing squids on the ice, they can start throwing the heads of scarecrows whenever a goal or a hat trick is scored. Or, maybe like a stuffed lion. OR BETTER YET!!!! Imagine baby bear cubs being gently tossed onto the ice during a hockey game (maybe put parachutes on them so they can playfully glide to the ice so that way they don’t hurt themselves) and then release the momma bear out onto the ice to reclaim her bear cubs to show that the new city of Gomperville will find her lost children and gather them back up to safety and maul the faces off of whoever gets in her way. Yes . . . that would be a great message so that way the terrorists won’t win a game of hockey.

Oh . . . there I go off on a tangent again. Where was I . . . . Oh yes . . . so once the bear cubs are roaming the streets of Gomperville, then we can finally automate the gigantic statue of Robocop to help keep an eye on anyone who decides to hurt the cubs. And since Gomperville won’t have a statue of a movie character anywhere in a fixed position, I think it’s quite obvious who the next statue should be of: Han Solo. Nothing says amazing and awesome than a one hundred foot tall statue of one of the greatest heroes and pilots of a long time ago with jet planes flying over his head every hour on the hour in tribute. Ooooh! Since we’re buying Gomperville, we might also be able to buy the Blue Angels to be the ones flying over, while “Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins is played on repeat. That would be the true epitome of 1980’s American Awesomeness which is what, I think, Old Gomperville ( or ‘Deetroit/Duhtroit/Wooter’ as the rest of the world would call it) missed out on. 

You know, I’ve talked about so many things at this point that I don’t really remember what I was talking about. So, I’m going to go to the local golf course and play some zombie golf. Randall . . . OUT!

 

*-Randall is not an actual current employee of Thotplaces and has not been since we fired him several months ago. However, during one of his rambles while we were trying to fire him, he talked about how great it would be to open a second office for the company in Iowa, and walked out yammering something about how corn could be used to help build an office building or something like that. We’ve been receiving random reports like this from him every couple of weeks. Any readers who happen to live in Iowa, if you see Randall, please tell him to stop. Bring a chair though, if you do do this . . . . the conversation could go on for a while. 

See what happens when I go get cryogenically frozen . . .

So, I decided to help our R&D people try their new cryogenic cereal .  . Frozeplaces . . . So good, it’ll freeze you for a few months.

Apparently they fed that cereal to our marketing department, looking at what happened to our original spot on the web. Ah well . . . time to call up recruiting and hire a new bunch of zombies . . . I mean . . . ummm . . . ad executives.

In the meantime, I’d like to talk about something that came to me as the boys in R&D were defrosting me with one of their hair dryers: PEDs (or performance enhancing drugs).

Yes, I know . . . PEDs have destroyed baseball and all other competitive sports. Well, most sports. There’s one that still has not been touched by it, but probably should be.

I’m talking about golf.

Think about it. Tiger Woods comes up to the tee and, while he’s all hyped up on steroids, drives the ball for about 800 yards making a hole-in-one, but on a green that’s three holes away. There would be crowds of people lined up to see how many miles the golfers can drive the balls. Hell, even Jack Nicklaus and Fuzzy Zoeller could make a come back.

Wait . . . . they’re dead?

 

Well, performance enhancing drugs could bring them back to life, right? Imagine it . . . this afternoon on ABC . . . Zombie Golf! The youth of America would love it. Golf would soon become the new national past-time. Pack your clubs and a gun to keep the zombies away . . . it’s time for golf.

Wow . . . maybe being frozen for that long really does have some mental side effects. Better let the boys in R&D know . . . after I go make me some zombie golfers.

 

 

 

Well, Hello There

Is this thing on? (taps microphone only to discover that it is, in fact, a pencil. Tosses it offstage)

I’ll forgo apologizing for the lack of updates on Thotplaces (the important thing is that I return on occasion – see this post where I back myself up on this claim). I will, however, apologize for the fact that thotplaces.com no longer resembles its former self. I advise against visiting the site and wish only to state publicly that we at Thotplaces International have nothing to do with whatever the new owners have created there. So, for now, you’ll have to settle for the free WordPress variant of our blog.

Eight months into 2013, I can say that for the first time ever I have stuck to my New Year’s Resolution. I wanted to make this the year that I start making things happen and I feel that I’ve been moving steadily in that direction. I’m still producing my webcomic, The Garage, every Monday through Friday and have started a blog for posting short stories at Little Artifacts. If you haven’t see either, I humbly encourage you to check them out. If not, no worries, we still love you anyways.

I hope this year has gone well for you. It is not, however, finished yet and you still have the opportunity to make the most of it.

Okay, I’ve taken enough of your time. If you would like, please write a comment about what you’ve accomplished thus far this year, or post some mid-year resolutions – some goals you want to reach for before 2013 is out. And let’s all encourage each other to be productive, creative and fun-loving.

Until next time, may Thoth watch over you.

Jeremy

‘Ere, he says he’s not dead…

Well, what do you know, the prodigal blogger returns. Apologies to one and all for the extended hiatus (once again).

I wish I could say that this is the start of a beautiful new beginning of a long and fruitful Thotplaces run, but I’d be lying. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I hope to be back again, before too long, sharing my inner most thoughts and dreams with a bunch of total strangers who couldn’t care less. But I am doing something in the meantime.

I’d like to refer you to the new webcomic I have started here. It’s a learning experience, so please don’t judge it too harshly. I really do hope that you will stop by and check it out.

GrgStrip.0010.Web

Well, that’s about it for now. Until next time, may Thoth be with you on all your journeys.

The Missing Floor

In all my time here at Thotplaces, and with all the things I’ve seen, it may be the one thing that I haven’t seen that bothers me the most.

That thing, it turns out, is the Thirteenth Floor. Yes, yes, I know, the number 13 is supposed to be all witchcrafty and weird and scary and all that other stuff. I choose to believe that it’s only a coincidence. You can believe whatever you want. All I know is that I have tried, repeatedly, to get onto the Thirteenth Floor and have yet to succeed.

It is there. I know that it is there. The Thotplaces Central Tower is 29 stories high. The floors are listed on a sign in the lobby – 29 floors. You can stand on the street, look up and count 29 floors. So it’s there. I can see the windows for that floor from outside. But on the lobby sign, there is no department listed for Floor 13. It’s merely blank. The elevators have no button for 13 – they simply go from 12 to 14. I have climbed the stairs, only to find a blank wall where the door to floor 13 should be.

It’s easy to dismiss, I suppose, if you consider that some architects are superstitious and leave out the 13th floor. It could be assumed that while the building had a thirteenth floor built, it was later sealed off and never used. That’s possible. But I’ve seen people at the windows. I’ve seen lights go on and later turn off on the floor. The floor is in use. By someone.

What I have never seen is a piece of mail come through my department for someone on floor 13. No one I ask seems to realize there is a floor 13. I’m beginning to think I may be the only person here, other than the mysterious denizens of Floor 13, who is aware of it at all.

I don’t know why, but this has become the most important thing to me right now. I lay in bed at night thinking about it. I have drawn up my own sketches and diagrams and schematics based on what I know of the building and its layout. The only relief I see is finally finding my way on there.

So, this is my stated goal now. I am going to find a way onto Floor 13. I will figure out who is on that floor, and why, and what reason they have for making access so difficult. Because if I don’t, I may wind up as crazy as everyone else here seems to be.

 

Where It All Began

I don’t think I’ve ever told you about my first day at Thotplaces Inc, but I guess that’s as good a place as any to start.

After a lengthy interview process that involved seven managers and twelve applications, I received the call on a Friday that I had been hired and was to report to work in the mailroom first thing Monday morning. As luck would have it, Monday morning was a depressing gray drizzle – the kind that seems to soak into your bones and fog your head. I didn’t care much then – I was excited. But given some distance and knowing what I know now, this was ominous foreshadowing for things to come.

So there I stood at the bus stop, watching drops gather and fall off the end of my nose and avoiding sprays of puddle water flying off passing cars. I stood there for an hour like that, until a sweet old lady reminded me that the buses didn’t run anymore. I looked up at the sign and noted with some amusement the words “No Standing”. Of course, this is a company town and the public transportation had been shut down in the budget rollbacks of ’08.

I walked the remaining nineteen blocks to the Corporate Headquarters Tower and slipped my way across the lobby floor to the reception desk. The disinterested hag of a girl behind the counter wrinkled her nose at my rain-soaked appearance when I told her my name and she pointed at the elevators without saying a word. I walked past a sign on the wall that said the mailroom was in sub-basement M (short for Mail, I guess) and took the elevator down.

Upon exiting the elevator, my first thought was that the mailroom had been relocated. There were lines of desks running down each side of the corridor as far as the eye could see, every one covered in stacks of envelopes nearly to the ceiling. The lights were mostly off, save for the handful that flickered annoyingly here and there. I wandered the stacks for several minutes, looking for signs that someone had been there in the past decade. I didn’t find any. Finally, there was a ding from the elevator and a man with a handlebar mustache and small round spectacles stepped into the room.

“I’m Garvin D. Busslepot, Mail Manager. You must be Jeremy.” He said, extending his hand. His voice was like an announcer from a 1940s radio broadcast.

“Yes, I am. Sorry I’m late.”

He didn’t reply. He just walked over to a small rusty basket on wheels and pointed to a stack of envelopes on the desk nearest us.

“Load those up and start delivering.”

I looked at the first piece, while he stood nearby watching me like a creep, and noticed the date stamp was 1976. I showed it to him.

“We haven’t had a Mailboy in a while.” He said, almost as though he were apologizing to me.

I shrugged, loaded the cart and began to deliver the envelopes.

A lot has changed since then. There’s now four other people in the mailroom with me. But, delivering 2.3 million envelopes around the Thotplaces Complex was probably the best way to really get a feel for what this place is like.

So stick with us and we’ll try to give you some sense of what it’s like around here, too.

Fifty and Feeling Fine

Well, this marks my 50th blog post for Thotplaces and my 7th in as many days.

I’m finally, after two years, starting to feel better about my writing on here. Maybe that’s because I’m not over-thinking it now or spending all my time trying to figure out what people want to read. I’m just writing what entertains me at this point and hoping that it entertains others as well.

After a week of daily posts to get back into the swing of things, I’ll be slowing my output now to take some pressure off and to free up a little time for other work, such as my novel. But, I promise to keep a much more regular schedule on here. I will post at least once a week – if not a bit more – for at least the remainder of 2013.

As a quick reminder, we would love to have you like us on Facebook. You can find us here. We’ve added a new manager to the page to try and keep it fresh with additional links and funny stuff. And we would love your feedback on how we’re doing.

In conclusion, I want to thank everyone for reading and look forward to the opportunity to continue entertaining you in the future.