As previously mentioned, Thotplaces Light and Magic, Inc. has had to help several members of its marketing department find new jobs earlier than they may have anticipated. While we look for new
bloodsuckers ad executives, we offer a report from Randall, our rambling correspondent* about some current news topics:
So, it has recently come to my attention that the City of Detroit has gone and filed for bankruptcy. While this may be a bad thing for many people (particularly the people who live in Detroit I would assume as well as Eminem and those people who don’t like Eminem and turn on their television and there’s a car commercial and suddenly his face shows up on the screen talking about how great Detroit is and, in a fit of rage, they go and throw their televisions out the window, causing them to buy new televisions and windows) I see this as a great real estate opportunity.
I mean, imagine it . . . a whole city just up for purchase. While many people may say “There’s a reason why Detroit is bankrupt. It’s a horrible city”, I say to them, “Wait, is it pronounced ‘Dee-troit’ or ‘Dutroit’?” Because having a good name is the first step to successful marketing. I mean, I’m from New Jersey and we call the stuff that comes out of the tap “wooter’ while everyone else seems to call it ‘waater’. If there was some sort of concensus that was made on how to pronounce it, then that wet stuff could be sold for thirty bucks a bottle. I mean, whiskey is called whiskey by everyone right? And look at how much that stuff goes for. You don’t have some people call it ‘weeskee’ or ‘whitskey’ or even ‘gompers’. It’s called whiskey. So let’s decide on one way to pronounce that city. Let’s just call it Gomperville.”
But now, where was I? Oh yes, buying Detroit would be a perfect real estate move. I mean after all, you would get not one or two, but THREE major sporting teams- the Tigers, the Lions and the Red Wings. Now, admittedly, the first move would be to rename the Red Wings into the Bears so that way instead of people throwing squids on the ice, they can start throwing the heads of scarecrows whenever a goal or a hat trick is scored. Or, maybe like a stuffed lion. OR BETTER YET!!!! Imagine baby bear cubs being gently tossed onto the ice during a hockey game (maybe put parachutes on them so they can playfully glide to the ice so that way they don’t hurt themselves) and then release the momma bear out onto the ice to reclaim her bear cubs to show that the new city of Gomperville will find her lost children and gather them back up to safety and maul the faces off of whoever gets in her way. Yes . . . that would be a great message so that way the terrorists won’t win a game of hockey.
Oh . . . there I go off on a tangent again. Where was I . . . . Oh yes . . . so once the bear cubs are roaming the streets of Gomperville, then we can finally automate the gigantic statue of Robocop to help keep an eye on anyone who decides to hurt the cubs. And since Gomperville won’t have a statue of a movie character anywhere in a fixed position, I think it’s quite obvious who the next statue should be of: Han Solo. Nothing says amazing and awesome than a one hundred foot tall statue of one of the greatest heroes and pilots of a long time ago with jet planes flying over his head every hour on the hour in tribute. Ooooh! Since we’re buying Gomperville, we might also be able to buy the Blue Angels to be the ones flying over, while “Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins is played on repeat. That would be the true epitome of 1980’s American Awesomeness which is what, I think, Old Gomperville ( or ‘Deetroit/Duhtroit/Wooter’ as the rest of the world would call it) missed out on.
You know, I’ve talked about so many things at this point that I don’t really remember what I was talking about. So, I’m going to go to the local golf course and play some zombie golf. Randall . . . OUT!
*-Randall is not an actual current employee of Thotplaces and has not been since we fired him several months ago. However, during one of his rambles while we were trying to fire him, he talked about how great it would be to open a second office for the company in Iowa, and walked out yammering something about how corn could be used to help build an office building or something like that. We’ve been receiving random reports like this from him every couple of weeks. Any readers who happen to live in Iowa, if you see Randall, please tell him to stop. Bring a chair though, if you do do this . . . . the conversation could go on for a while.